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Monthly Archives: March 2010

Easter 2010

Oh wow! It’s the Holy Week already! Easter is coming in really fast! Ash Wednesday actually took me by surprise this year. I wasn’t exactly prepared to go on lent, I only knew it a day before Ash Wednesday started. But I managed to get on gear and went with it. I slipped once during lent, totally forgot about it.

Easter is a special time, I do enjoy the hot cross buns, the easter eggs, and the fact that I’ve finished lent. This year, I truly learned how hard it is not to have a certain things in my daily life (things that I give up for lent) and for each Sunday (mini Easter), I celebrated a little bit that I can welcome back those things I gave up for lent.

The holy weekend for me, is a time to reflect on my wrong doings and be more appreciative of a few things I already have in my life After Easter, I hope that I’ll be more appreciative of the things I have now and not take it for granted. Yes, I wished to go away for Easter, in a way it’s a kind of retreat for me, take myself away from my normal surrounding and be somewhere else where I can see how beautiful the world I live in is.

To some, it is a long weekend full of parties, to others it’s the holy week and celebration. I was laughed at last year, when I went off to mass on Holy Thursday while everyone else were drinking. Well, everyone can choose their own way of celebrating the weekend, as long as it doesn’t invade other people’s privacy or bothering them, then it’s not a problem.

So what does Easter mean to you? How are you celebrating the Easter long weekend?

Happy Easter :)

-Fi

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Posted by on March 28, 2010 in spirituality and beliefs

 

See it to believe it?

Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active – Edith Hamilton

This is an intro about my belief systems, as I do plan to write a bit more on it further along the line. I have come across a lot of friends who don’t agree with my belief… some just have a different belief and simply disagree with mine, while others simply don’t understand the belief and couldn’t help but to bitch about it.

Here’s the tricky part, not everyone belief the same thing I do. I was raised a Catholic, went to Catholic school all my live, but I also believe in other things like re-incarnation, spirits, alternative healings, and other spiritual and mystical things. I say my prayers every day, but I also meditate, practice holistic healing, and believe in a lot of superstitious things.

I believe in God, I believe that there is a higher force, and I believe that the body has everything it needs to heal itself, but sadly technologies have made modern human to be too dependent on medicines, however, I do believe that a little dose is needed to boost body function when needed.

I have friends who are very religious up to an extreme, and I’d say, if they’re happy, then it’s good for them. As long as they don’t start forcing people to take up on their belief then I think it’s fine. I have my own way of manifesting my belief, and I don’t expect others to understand it. In the end, when it comes to faith, it sometimes only make sense to you and no one else.

There were a lot of times when I found myself praying all morning, even while I was working. Other times, I’d find myself meditating with crystals or perhaps dowsing. In some world they’re a polar opposite, but both methods work for me. Perhaps the religious people would frown on the spiritual things I do, but perhaps people who aren’t religious at all would think it is silly that I go on lent, or go to church. I don’t care what they think, faith is something that is mine and mine alone, it is a private matter between me and the Man “upstairs”.

So when it comes to faith… I only have to ask myself one question, “Am I happy?”. So far, I am… and it doesn’t bother me if other people think it’s wrong or think it’s silly.

-Fi

 
 

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On my own against the world

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I fight a constant battle with not one, but a few groups of people (over different matters) who tried to make me feel little and worthless. But the harder they tried, the stronger I became. I must say that it’s not always easy, there were times when I thought it was hard and I wanted to cry in frustration that I’m actually dealing with a bunch of high-school-minded-adults (honestly, they don’t even deserve to be called adults with that behaviour), but somehow their determination to take me down fueled me to actually stand up for myself and defend my ground. They want to take away access to things I enjoy doing, they can go ahead and try, but I know I’ll find other means to get there. They want to try take away my friends? Well, if they succeed, then I know that they weren’t my friends to start with, if they try to take away my true friends from me, they’d be lucky enough to get out of the situation with their dignity still intact. I have faith in my friends, as much as they have faith in me. Again I have to come back to the root of the problem when it comes to feeling miserable, and that is myself. Know my limit, know my capabilities, and that way, I know how to receive peer pressure from others and use it for my advantage.

I am a woman of uniqueness. I accept the fact that I am an individual and I do not feel the need to blend in or belong to a particular group of people. Being someone different at school was challenging enough, imagine being someone different in a larger community.

To start with, I tried to think of why people are trying to make me feel miserable. Jealousy normally is a spot on answer. I feel jealous a lot of times, but I always try to maintain a straight face while the unpleasant feeling blew me, and suppress the feeling until I have a little down time to process it. If I had act upon it, I may have gotten myself into trouble that would take a lot more effort to get out of. A right portion of jealousy is healthy, because it’ll keep us on our toes and force us to take care of what you already have. But when there is too much jealousy, it would tip the balance and made a sane person do irrational and hurtful things.

My first reaction was to smile. Yes… someone or some people were jealous of me. It was quite a pleasant feeling… and because of this I always try to not show my jealousy to the people I’m jealous of. To be frank, I didn’t want to boost their ego. I’d take it as a compliment that someone would go the distance to try make me unhappy and cut my access to a lot of things… I’d be thinking “Oh my… am I that much of a threat?”. WOW! Yeah! Let me bask in my glory for a bit, will you?

I know I always have the upper hand when someone is jealous of me, and when that particular person round up a troop to take me down, I have more power over him/her. Why? Someone with such low self-esteem is a very easy target. The trick is that I pick my battles carefully. There were times when I knew I’d easily win that battle, but is it worth fighting for? A lot of the times the answer is no, because at the end of the day after I came out victorious and left my opponents feeling defeated, the glory only last for a few minutes, an hour tops. The motives had changed, from doing favours for myself to stroking my ego. And the hard thing is that I am too proud to admit defeat myself. Therefore, there were times I had to suck it up and come into terms with whatever decision I have made. Lesson I’ve learnt is that taking a step back today could mean taking two steps forward on a better day, because by doing that I’m letting my opponent (or in this case the crowd who are against me) reveal their weaknesses.

So when do I know which battle worth fighting for? Gut instinct normally is my guide, but sometimes it’s clouded by emotions. I would consult to my best friends, which normally would become a reality check for me. Then I’d sit down and think of possible outcomes, what are at stakes, what could I gain from fighting this battle. Is the gain worth the effort? Am I going to be at lost in the long run should I gain this victory? Yes, tactics in life is quite similar to war tactics.

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2010 in Attitude

 

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Insecurity

I believed that a good man for me wouldn’t make me feel insecure, however, it’s not always true. Yes, the way my man treats me would highly affect how secure I am in a relationship, but… the bigger part of staying secure is more about how secure I am with myself, how confident I am about being simply me. Now, PMS aside, I can be proud to call myself secure (took me long to get there).

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you” – Lao-Tzu

It started from the background of my own upbringing, I found that I used to compare myself to others a lot. It was perhaps driven by the tendency of Asian parents to want their kids to excel in EVERYTHING. Children’s achievements are their parents’ glory. It did good for me when it was taken positively, as a drive to be a better person, or when I adopted a particular person as a role model. I used to have my mother saying “Look at her! She’s your age and she has done this…” or something along those lines. I am not a competitive person, however it hurt my pride when my mother said that to me, and it drove me to achieve the same or better. All I wanted was to make my parents proud of me and could just stop comparing me to their friends’ kids. I also found myself competing for attention, therefore when people divert their attention to others who had achieved more, or has a unique characteristic, I’d felt left out and unaccepted. That’s when insecurities started to come in, I wasn’t happy about myself, and I needed re-assurance from others, so I could be happy again.

Then came the day when I have had enough trying to please everyone just to be accepted. I have done all I could, I have jumped through hoops, went through a hell a lot of effort to achieve things that weren’t even making me happy, and at the end of the day, I still didn’t get the recognition and reaction I was hoping to get. It was the same in relationships, I have had enough trying to make my significant other happy, or moulding myself to fit into their criteria, while they couldn’t even make me feel secure or adore me in return. It takes two to tango.

As for my parents, I am aware of my duty as their child, but I stopped trying to impress them by doing things they wanted me to do while ignoring my own. They are my parents, I know the spotlight is still on me, whether or not I have achieved what they wanted. I am sure that they’re happy with how I turned out eventhough we have our differences. I have grown to be a strong, and independent young woman. I’m able to make my own decisions, direct my life where I wanted it to go, and get to where I wanted in life. I have nationwide recognition in my chosen career field, and many other achievements that I am proud of. And I am sure that the day will come at its own time, when they would proudly say and show off to their friends “That’s our daughter, and that is her masterpiece”.

However, even after the revelation I was still struggling to find myself as I went through so many ’stages’ of me and still didn’t find it. Finally after many years I started to realize the things that didn’t change everytime I went through all those stages. Eventually I recognized the things that are ‘mine’, I knew how much I can handle, how strong I am, how vulnerable I am, the things that made me happy, the things I wanted in life, then eventually I learned to embrace all my flaws, and excel in my strong points.

Acceptance worked like magic! I could never be happier with myself. I realized a major change in my self confidence, which majorly affect my security when being in a relationship. I was able to finally think with a clear head, and not trying to impress, I was simply being me, and when my relationship with my ex ended at a bad note, yes I took it hard, but at the end of the day I didn’t feel at loss and was able to move on.

I also take pride in intelligence. So I am not a rocket scientist, but I am knowledgeable and smart in my chosen field and perhaps a couple others, and I wouldn’t be shy to show them how passionate I am about it. And with that, comes my devotion to my chosen partner. So I know, in so many ways, that I am a great catch… but can the men see that? I do not ask to be put on a pedestal and treated like a queen by my man, but I simply ask for the respect as an equal partner in the relationship, and be treated the way he’d want to be treated.

I see a lot of my friends are settling for less than what they deserve. Many of them (including myself at some point of my life) cried a river and desperately wanted them back in their lives when men left them, cheated on them, used them, but what they failed to see was that they were better off without the jerk in their lives. If those men treated them unfairly, used them, and left them, then it would be his loss! Not all men are jerks, but even the nice ones are still able to make bad mistakes. They are only human.

I have accepted the mistakes I made, the bad decisions, the bad behaviour and the lot… when I was at the bottom I’ve had more than enough time living in the past. No matter how many friends help me through it, I still needed to get out of my own mess with my own effort. My friends couldn’t make me. Somewhere along the line, I realized that I need to love myself more than anything else, because afterall, I am all I have. No matter how many friends hold my hands during break up healing process, hug me when I lost my beloved pets, or even how many people in the world experiencing the same thing… I still experience it by myself. I just know that I can rely on them for support, but in the end, none of them felt what I felt and how I felt it.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2010 in Attitude

 

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It’s me!

When you wake up in the morning, have a moment to give thanks that you are about to enjoy another day. It doesn’t matter if you worked late the night before, and only had 2 hours of sleep and you wanted to sleep in, or if you are about to face a super duper busy day… still… take a deep breath, and give thanks. Then when you see yourself in the mirror, say hello to yourself… for me, it helps to notice myself, to be myself and to recognize myself.

Awhile ago, I was in a complete mess, and one morning, I woke up, and saw myself in the mirror… I didn’t like who I saw… those black under eye circle, black mascara smeared on the side of my eyes, pale unhealthy skin from the alcohol assumptions the night prior, my hair stank like smoke from too much smoking, and surprisingly enough my body craved for another! Then I noticed, that the stars in my eyes were gone.Unfortunately it wasn’t an instant process getting from that state to now… in fact, it took a few years… so who am I?

I’m Fiona, I’m 27, I’m Asian but I don’t live in my home country. I work full time, and I enjoy reading chick lits (and watching chick flicks) as well as full on proper action movies… so “Hello there!” :)

– Fi

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2010 in Attitude

 

From diaries to here

The begining…

What the heck happened? I blinked, and suddenly, I found myself in an emotional wreck!

When I revisited my old diaries, I found a pattern that I would need to break if I were to get control of my own life. At one point, I was falling into the bottomless pit of depression… but a lot of times, I blamed others for what happened, and made excuses when I shouldn’t.

So, I’ve decided to re-cap what I found on my diaries (including my childhood diaries) and turned it into something I can benefit from. It felt good knowing that I was making progess and growing. I gained wisdom from my past, and I guess it was more about translating and turning my way of thinking back then into something positive and beneficial for the coming years, and I’m hoping that these records can help someone else too.

– Fi

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2010 in Attitude